... Which means you are free to wear glasses, content in the knowledge that it's acceptable, now that I do it and all. Imagine a chubby Charles Bronson wearing nerd glasses and you'd be on the right track. What's that, you're suddenly and uncontrollably aroused? Thought so. It's ok, I am too, I caught sight of myself in the reflection from my phone screen and went from 6 to midnight.
Someone's gunning for my crown I see. Oh well, I suppose it's time for me to show the world what I'm really made of.
So I'm back. I haven't posted in a couple of weeks because... well... fuck it, none of you actually know me so I can tell the truth without having to look you in the eye afterwards so here goes. I had a mid-life crisis. I know, you're thinking "I thought you were in your twenties" well I am, I turned 25 just over a week ago and, for me, that is tantamount to becoming middle-aged. I don't give my body, or indeed my central nervous system, an easy time of it and thusly I'm under no illusions about how long I'll be around, if I see 60 it'll be a goddamn miracle and I'm ok with that, I just don't like knowing that I'm getting older. You see, I used to be someone you could have a good time with around 5 years ago or so, I partied, I had charisma, I had hair and I was somewhat roguishly charming, but in the last few years all those traits have slowly but surely faded out. I'm now in my mid twenties and whilst I may be able to share an interesting anecdote or three about my shenanigans I have accomplished roughly fuck all. I've lost the hair, gained weight, my roguish charm has turned into spiteful discontent and I fear the level at which I insist on partying, drinking excessively and indulging in all manner of other assorted misbehaviour have become a bit sad and pathetic. If I were to die tomorrow no one would really have much to say about it aside from maybe something along the lines of "Did you hear yer man's dead? Homeboy thought he could fly one time. Turned out he couldn't." Outside of a few family members and a handful of friends I've had no real meaningful relationships of any kind and I've been sort of a huge disappointment both professionally and academically. These are all things that never bothered me before. If you had told me six months ago "You've become stagnant, you can't be Keith Richards because you're not in the Stones," I'd have told you to get fucked and then done something needlessly destructive and ill-advised just to prove my point but in the last couple of weeks I've come to some horrible realisations and it was not a good feeling. To that end I have been too busy drinking alone in the dark, drinking unhealthy amounts at social gatherings under the guise of "banter" and having more meaningless carnal encounters, so basically, business as usual. What the fuck?! I had this big epiphany about becoming less of a fucking burnout then to take my mind off the soul crushing reality of my circumstance I went out and did it all again. So, if you were wondering whether or not I'm going to become all boring and conservative and stop saying things just because I feel like it and stop being the utter embodiment of wasted potential etc you can rest easy in the knowledge that I am, apparently, completely fucking incapable of maturity! YYYEEEEEAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!! I had toyed with the notion of joining Club 27 anyway so I may as well go out full-fucking-throttle while I'm at it. Goodbye mid-life crisis hello business as usual. I could go into all the sordid details of what I got up to over the last couple of weeks but it could be viewed as an admission so I'll just leave you with some songs that I've been loving today.
You know it son! Wiser men than I have said that the key to a fulfilling life is to do what makes you happy, well, drinking all the time makes me happy and if that means I'm going to die before I'm 30 then at least I'll go out stinking of whiskey and excellence. To that end I'm, once again, too hungover to hit you with a proper post.
*sleazy laugh*
Is that Dustin 'Screech Powers' Diamond? (*EDIT* when I originally posted this I was paying such close attention to the guy I thought was Screech that I didn't even notice the rest of the cast, minus Belding, cycling along in the background there.)
Seeing that smug twat Jeremy Kyle getting a small measure of comeuppance just gave me a blue-veined diamond cutter of a hard-on.
As always at the weekend, I'm dangerously hungover and as such I have no intention of putting effort into writing up a well constructed and thought provoking critique of modern life the likes of which you've come to expect from me so I'll hit you with a few pics, links and videos.
I'm loving this picture although I'm a bit pissed off I didn't think of this pose first.
Outstanding. This man is clearly not to be underestimated.
Louis CK possesses a wisdom beyond that which his haircut suggests.
... Is because job applications nowadays are almost impossible to get through without thinking about killing yourself at least twice. Long gone are the days when a job application required that you fill in some personal details, an overview of your education and employment history, provide references, maybe even include a smartly typed up CV if you had one and then write a few paragraphs about what a goddamn legend of a person you are and how if you aren't hired then said company will surely end up bankrupt within the quarter. Now a job application consists of all of that plus at least a dozen needlessly expansive and irrelevant questions like "Explain how your views on the reluctance of certain South American nations to encourage freemarket reforms will provide you with a better understanding of how to prioritise your workload during a leap year" and "Describe your estimated reaction to entering the staff common area during your daily rest period and discovering the engine room of a Mississippi river steam boat instead of a broke down coffee machine and half of a ping pong table and how this highly improbable series of events would impact on your ability to adhere to the company-wide clear desk policy". I honestly have no idea what the fuck these companies are trying to achieve with these unneccessarily complicated application forms. The applications I'm referring to aren't those for a high-level national security coordinator or goddamn Alan Sugars accountant, they are jobs like stacking a motherfucking shelf in a supermarket and selling a goddamn Blackberry. Surely the only questions one need be asked regarding these positions are "Can you lift things up from one place and set them down in another?", "Can your hear and understand when people speak to you?", "Do you speak English?" and "Are you secretly a ghost trapped in corporeal form until such times as you can complete some vital part of life you never got around to the first time?". Those should be the only questions asked by these employers.
If one were look at the application process for these companies, or similar employers, and try to imagine the calibre of employee one might imagine a smartly dressed charmer with an impressive education and career background with excellent people skills and the ability to work under pressure that would make motherfucking James Bond look like a tightly-wound knot of anxiety. This would be frighteningly inaccurate as the people who inhabit the drab aisles of these victuallers of provisions and the overly bright and noisy beehive-like environment of the dreaded technology pushers aren't the scholarly smooth talkers you may have imagined but lifeless, soulless, and in most cases, brainlesses husks in an ill fitting company-issued uniform who have neither the knowledge, nor the desire to help you or even acknowledge your presence. I generally have no problem with this as I have no desire to interact with anyone when I'm unfortunate enough to have to enter a shop. I just want to pay for what I need and get the fuck out without having to as much as make eye contact with anyone. You may now be asking yourself "well in that case, why have such a whinge about it you stupid bald useless waste of life?!". The reason I'm having a whinge about it is because I don't see the point in designing an application to weed out those who haven't the mental agility or general wherewithal to deal with overly detailed and far from pedestrian scenarios they are presented with during the application process when they are going to go ahead and hire the type of person you wouldn't trust to make a cup of tea. For the sake of my own sanity I'm going to go ahead and believe that the application processes are designed to pick out those who may cause trouble for the management, aka, the smart ones. Weed out the thinkers and you won't have a revolution on your hands when you try to implement a mandatory company pension fund. No one with half a brain is going to argue with us or make us feel like the falsely superior cretins that we are. This is how I'm going to choose to rationalise it, it's the only way I'll be able to get through another one of these bastard forms is to think that while I may have wasted an hour and a half of my life filling out a form for a job I could do drunk and blindfolded I will have made the management feel small with my well constructed and pseudo-modest answers to their preposterous questions. Either that or they'll just think I'm a pompous dickhead and they'll offer me the job because they think I'm one of them, either way, I win. At least that's what I'll tell myself.
I've been spending the majority of my day cleaning the house (I know, who'd have thunk right?! I am, believe it or not, a bit of a "clean freak" or as I call it "someone who doesn't like to live like an animal or a grunge guitarist") so I haven't really experienced much to rant about today, therefore links to the max! I could indeed have a moan about the job situation in this country but at this stage that seems a bit redundant... pun intended.
Apparently there's a range of Metal Gear Solid inspired clothing out now. I like some of it, but I love wearing military style clothing, I always feel tactical, I feel like I'm fully prepared, you know fashion wise, should the apocalypse occur while I'm out buying a bottle of cheap rum or picking up a score bag. Metal Gear Solid store Peace Walker clothing line
So someone decided they were going to make a list of the best places to visit if you want to get shitfaced without being judged and decided to include various events from around the world where at certain times excessive drinking is encouraged and yet this person decided to exclude the great nation of Éire. A country where I find I'm able to get dangerously drunk 5-6 times a week and no one bats an eyelid. Here's the pointless article in question in case you want to have a look at what lengths people have to go to in order to overindulge in other countries. 10 best drinking events/festivals
Yesterday I forgot to include a proper quote/scene of the day so today I'll try to make up for it by including two.
One of my favourite plotlines from Curb your Enthusiasm. Jeffs reaction to the accusation the nurse makes is priceless. Enjoy.
"Give me her goddamn number, I'll go over there and twist that ass up Larry!" I find Leon very hit and miss but when he's good he's actually funny.
People who make unneccessary noise in libraries deserve to be put in prison. In with all the nonces because they are no better. Whilst I know that my dream of incarceration for those who insist on being noisy in an environment that makes specific reference to the fact that it should remain a quiet area will probably never come to fruition, I do think something should be done about these fuckfaces. I'm referring specifically to the library of my university. they recently spent a few years and, I would imagine, an obscene amount of money constructing and fitting a new university library for the students. This brand new library was to be the shining diamond of the university. It's noisier inside the library than it is outside. Seriously. The problem is the dickheads and arseholes who've been bussed in for the academic year from the middle of county-fucking-nowhere who use the library not for studying or typing out assignments but for talking to each other on facebook (I also scoped at least two people on bebo, fucking BEBO! I didn't even think that still existed.) and watching videos on youtube. Library computers are for actual university work not cunting about on fucking bebo and buying "funny" tshirts off some cunty website that sells clothes with culchie* slang on them. As if the noise from their spastic laughing and constant chair sqeaking isn't enough they also insist on walking around talking to each other about things that are "deadly hey". If you want to have a conversation then fuck off outside or to the coffee shop, don't stand chatting about whatever country reject bar you're going to with your buck-toothed wide-hipped girlfriend over the top of people who are trying to write up a piece of fucking work. It is clearly stated on a sign in every library around the world that quiet must be observed at all times so I suggest that if someone isn't even smart enough to work out that they shouldn't be treating a library like a fucking street corner then they clearly aren't smart enough to be in third-level education. Can't keep quiet in the library? EXPELLED! Taking up space at computers broswing the heat magazine website when other people need the computers for actual work? EXPELLED! Culchie fucking halfwit bastard? EXPELLED! These inconsiderate fuckholes should be shown no leway, they should be kicked out of university after being hung up in the middle of the library for all those who they've inconvenienced to smash their faces with bricks and cut bits of them off and flush down the toilet. Maybe we could line them all up in the car park and mow them down. Then reverse.
*A culchie is Belfast slang for an utter dickhead. It's anyone who lives outside of a 5 mile radius from Belfast city centre. Culchies only wear clothes other than tracksuits on special occasions. They're also unable to form sentences. They come to university as an excuse to get out drinking in Belfast for 3 years and show an utter disregard for the locals, although the latter part isn't really their fault, I blame the parents, they were dragged up by mucksavages who think satellite TV is a myth and domestic abuse is a god-given right. There are a few notable exceptions, those being any of my friends who are culchies. They are my friends because they don't fit the typical culchie profile, that's why I allow them to enjoy my company.
